The “Other” Places

The last few months have dragged and flown simultaneously.

I’m caught between accepting this reality and still sometimes wondering if it’s really real. I feel like I will always ask that…”did that really happen? Did I really go through this?”

I think that’s normal. I guess. I mean idk what’s normal anymore.

My reality has shifted a complete 180°.

I have been seeing so many posts/shares about “becoming the new you” and not knowing how to live like her because it’s new and ever been experienced.

I think that’s where I am.

I’ve been intentionally slowing down yet, also incorporating more of what fuels me in the best ways.

The shards of my shattered heart will never go back together but sometimes, I feel the warmth in those moments of fulfillment and they aren’t as sharp.

The holidays were weird. They didn’t seem cheerful. New Year’s Eve came and went with a river of tears and pain at 12:00.

Celebrating all these things after losing a child is heavy. There’s this incessant grey weight lingering. I think that’s everyday though…losing a child shows you how fast things can change and it’s always there. Always in the back of your mind. Trying not to, but unfortunately always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

My 36th birthday is in 6 days and it feels weird too. I knew Maggie physically in years 34 and 35…a year ago, we were in paradise together. I was dreaming about all she would grow up to experience. How do I go into this year not holding her? Not knowing her? Grieving the experiences missed?

I can’t decide if I want hole up and do nothing or go out and do everything. It’s a strange dynamic of choices. The grief fomo comes in quick during these moments…what if this is my last birthday and I don’t want to do anything? What if I waste it? Morbid, but true.

I’d give anything to hold her, to watch her grow and smile. That’s all I want, really.

Now, I see her in all the “other” places. My dreams. Her room. In spirit. The wind. Butterflies. Her name. Angel numbers. In meditation. When she visits others. Quiet moments. In the trees and birds.

I truly believe part of her purpose was to show me how real her spirit is. Her little body was tangible proof she is real. Sometimes it takes a swift kick in the ass to believe it. But now I do, fully. Magic is real and she is it.

She has taught me so much about bridging the gaps between the ether universal soul self and my human existence. She taught me to have faith and trust in the unknown, even when it’s really scary. She taught me the hardest, most painful moments can also be the most empowering.

I thought I had found my light before, but this only led me deeper into the darkness to reignite it myself.

I have big hopes for 2024. It’s an “8” year in numerology. Abundance. I originally had big plans planned for this year. Somehow, magically they have all seemingly dissipated…I’ve come to terms with maybe there is a bigger plan in store and trusting it will work out perfectly.

I carry sorrow in my bones but confidence in my knowing that Maggie will continue to lead me to who I am meant to become.

🖤