Entering the 4th Year

3 years ago, I felt like I had a blank slate to life bc it forced me to slow my entire life down in a way I hadn’t ever before.

I had this wild idea of possibility. Even in the midst of so much pain.

The tower.

Rock bottom.

It all had to go up from here.

They say every year with grief is different.

It’s scary to admit I felt weirdly detached on her birthday.

Yet, I feel like there’s this void within me that doesn’t ever really “heal.” However, it’s not completely debilitating anymore.

Sometimes I have a hard time accessing it.

This is a reality I can’t change. But again, it is my reality.

Strange sense of duality in it all.

Gratitude and making the best of a really horrible situation.

And moments of what the actual fuck?

How has it been three years?

After Maggie was born June 2023, I spent 6 months freaking the fuck out because I felt this invisible deadline on my grief.

In April 2024, I ended up gaining 20 pounds (on top of pregnancy weight I hadn’t lost) after a really traumatic and dysregulating trip to Costa Rica. While the experience was lovely, I was fucking tapped.

I have battled mental loops, existential dread and constant bracing.

I finally feel like I’m starting to win the battle. I can catch the thoughts faster and shift them, but fuckkkkk sometimes they really take up space.

No one talks about how something this big dishevels every aspect of your life.

Especially my business.

I’m an evidential Psychic & Somatic medium. My gifts are so so so so unique and have the potential to help people heal so greatly. But sometimes it feels like an uphill battle.

Every single day I choose to keep going.

There have been so many times I’ve looked around on Instagram and socials trying to find my next right steps…trying to run my biz like a coach only to find myself trying on other peoples masks again. Because they aren’t me.

They haven’t seen my pain.

They haven’t healed from things like I have.

I have to remind myself of this.

I have overcome unimaginable shit.

And I choose to keep going.