Hello, World!

For years, I have been seeking and searching for purpose. I was constantly in a state of questioning. "What is my purpose?" "How is my story supposed to help others?" "What am I here to DO?" I lived too long in a state of pushing and forcing ideas and identities that could be "ME" in hopes of finding any answers.

I live and have lived with many labels: Wife, Mother, Writer, Friend, Hairstylist, Healer, Intuitive, Psychic Medium, Alcohol Free, Medicine Woman, Artist, and now mother of loss and the list still goes on, but as my human focused on the "titles" my soul craved to BE.

It's all in who we be, anyways.

On the spring solstice, I was 6 months pregnant and tired of searching so, I threw my hands in the air and said, "I surrender." I was done seeking. I was done searching. I just wanted to be present in myself and in my pregnancy. And so, I did just that.

It wasn't until the traumatic loss of my baby girl that I am beginning to realize it is not in the identities we find our calling. It is in the moments of learning to move through the stages, processes and welcoming's of grief herself that am I finding fulfillment and purpose.

It has been 9 weeks since my husband and I lost our baby. 9 weeks of crumbling. Talk about the ultimate tower moment....Rock bottom. Disillusion & Confusion. 9 weeks of picking up the sharp and broken pieces.

The pain of losing a child is the most earth and heart shattering thing there could possibly be. There is so much lost in "what was supposed to be", that in these moments of deep pain and sorrow I am learning to navigate something that has no guidebook.

I have done a lot of work on myself to get to this point. I have spent the last 3 years working everyday to unearth all of my shortcomings, heal myself of chronic illness, open myself up to intuitive gifts that are literally "out of this world", living alcohol free, and faced many childhood/teenhood/20's trauma's that essentially made me who I was before I had my first spiritual awakening in 2019. Without the foundational tools and building blocks of "the work" (the internal work of releasing, reprocessing and rebuilding) I would never have been able to make it to this place of finding purpose in my most tragic experience.

Now, do I believe my daughter died in my womb to provide me with purpose?

Yes and no. No. I will never know why she was taken so suddenly from us. But yes, I believe purpose will come from her presence and loss.

I do know this, I will fuel the emotion and grief of her death into a creation so sacred and meaningful. Not only for myself, but to inspire/help others...so even though may we experience heartbreak, loss, tragedy and being broken down into complete nothingness we will find our ember in the pile of ashes for hopes it may (re)light our fire within to shine light on our true passion and purpose.

With my daughter's death, I died. And so, welcome to my rebirth and rebuilding.

Welcome to the raw, vulnerable and real ramblings of a "me" and who I am becoming. I'm glad you're here. Buckle up. It may get bumpy. ;-)