Magnolia's Birth Story: Part Two: Labor

June 10, 2023, at 0534, I went into labor. And this time it was real.

After weeks of prodromal labor, I was ready. I was surrendering to the process. It was time. & of course it was the day Justin decided to go back to work. All I had needed was to be alone in the dark for labor to begin.

Throughout the course of the day labor progressed normally.

Water was my only comfort.

I took 6 showers that day.

There was one profound moment when I could feel, smell and sense every male I’ve ever known that has crossed over, surrounding me. I remember thinking…"they’re protecting us, they’re escorting her spirit safely to me."

As time progressed, so did my labor (or so it felt) and it was finally time to call in our team. Time turned into a blur and an illusion for me at this point. It was late afternoon/evening when they arrived.

Upon their arrival they did all the normal things:

BP check-great

Contraction times-looking good

Baby’s heart rate-perfect

However, within an hour, something changed.

At this point the intensity and contractions were so strong, I was getting close to tapping out (when that happens…it usually means transition & birth is near).

My midwife checked for the heart rate, to no avail. I had an anterior placenta so we hoped, thought and prayed…maybe she was just being stubborn.

When they checked my dilation, I was only at 2cm dilated. My thought was “how can I be in THIS much pain, with contractions coming back to back and only to a 2?”

But intuitively, I could feel something wasn’t right. This is when we made the decision to transfer to the hospital and my entire being agreed.

Had we been planning a natural birth at the hospital, I would've been checked and discovering I was only at 2cm I would've been sent home. But because of the concerns around her heartbeat at this time, we were immediately taken to L&D triage.

Between the pain and unknowing-ness it felt like an eternity before radiology came in. I couldn't see the screen. I just wanted to see for myself...instead, we heard the devastating words…

“I’m sorry, there is no heartbeat.”

In that moment, my soul left my body. It felt exactly how it felt when I held my dog Yang in her last moments and feeling her spirit leave her body.

All I remember hearing was my husband begging me not to leave him. "Please don't leave me, please don't leave me." because he knew. (More on this later)

I was in utter and literal shock. There was so much chaos of emotion surrounding me in that room and yet, I was limp and lifeless. The unimaginable had really just happened… And yet, the contractions kept coming and at this point, there was no holding back. The physical and emotional pain I felt was out of this world. The sounds coming from my body were so primal and my screams surely echoed throughout the hallways for all to hear.