Magnolia Jane's Birth Story Part Three: The Birth

One week postpartum journal entry:

303 pm. 26 minutes away from her birth time exactly a week ago. Today I showered. Woke with little energy. Cried. Showered and washed my hair. Stood under the sun asking for answers and healing. Just letting my body feel the warmth and light.

There’s so much to remember beginning Saturday June 3 when Cor came. So many false starts. My theory is, I had to succumb to my fear…I had to surrender in order for her to come.

June 10: 745 heartbeat. 845 couldn’t find it. 945 hospital confirmation. I went limp in my body. I left. I was emotionless. A disappointment to everyone. A failure to myself and my daughter. The world spinning around me in chaos and all I felt was shock.

I’ve done so much healing. So much forgiveness work, thought I redeemed myself…this was supposed to be my redemption birth and still I suffer. "Will this be how it always is? Am I meant to live a life of suffering?"

My fears of dying. My fears of her being taken away from me. All came true. I died in that moment. I was reborn into sadness, grief, unbearable pain and suffering. But underneath, I still hold hope for the future. We have been beyond blessed... “Mommy, I send you abundance!” she says as I see her in spirit as a glowing, curly haired toddler.

A little bit at a time…I know I don’t have to rush getting it all out right now, I just don’t want to forget any of it.

15 minutes away from her birth time now. 3:29pm. It’s still unreal. I almost feel distant from it. Like it was all just a dream.

I remember holding my carnelian (root chakra) crystal during delivery and constantly repeating…"stay in my body, don’t leave, ground, stay in my body, don’t leave, ground." I can hear it now like a chant Justin (my husband) saying “stay in your body, breathe, deep breaths, ground, stay in your body.” There was a fear of me leaving this earth…I had it the entire pregnancy. I had the choice to leave my existence. I think those mantras saved my life.

I didn’t want to manifest my worst fear. I wanted to trust that everything would work perfectly because this was my redemption birth. Everything was perfect the entire pregnancy, I was so healthy, how in the last moment could something go wrong?

Her 6lb5oz body so perfect when placed on mine. I felt so complete when she was in my arms. My trifecta. Me, Parker, Magnolia. I saw it in many meditations. Now, there is an emptiness I cannot explain...

How can I live in duality of emotions? How soon can I be happy? How long must I be sad?

I remember holding her small body in the hospital and that physical connection I felt…that’s the connection that’s tangible. I miss that feeling. I felt whole. Now, I’m just empty.

What if I never get to feel that again? The small infant connected and cradled in my arms and on my chest. All I’ve ever wanted is to be a mother. I love pregnancy. I love feeling the baby. The creation of life. Birth. How can this be all I love and yet its unattainable? I almost made it to the finish line to bring my baby girl earthside and I failed.

My mind keeps racing to so many thoughts of wanting pregnancy again and to create life because I love it SO much but inside knowing its not the answer to heal my pain at this time. I don’t know what the answer is and that is the hardest part.

The emptiness that only Magnolia could fill. How do I fill it now?

I will simply learn to weave her existence into my life.

Pffft, yeah, easier said than done.

“C SECTION OR VBAC?”

The question they asked after confirmation of Magnolia's loss.

The labor pain was so intense. I just wanted it to be over. Back to back contractions that had switched from labor to loss.

My easy out: C Section

I’d already had one before why not just get it over with? That way I can run from connection with my daughter, give up and move on quicker. But a silent whisper wouldn’t allow me the easy out. My intuition wouldn’t allow it but I couldn't physically speak... Although, I couldn’t admit it at the time, I knew VBAC was the necessary way. I knew it would be a much harder road traveled if I chose to have a second c section and would hinder my chances at a future vbac.

I really just needed relief from the pain so I could think but I was past that. They just kept coming. Hit after hit, zero progress, intense pain.

Justin, Corinne and my midwife all advocated for me to move forward with VBAC delivery. I remember saying no, and crying. I didn’t want to do any of it. I just wanted out and away from the horror that was now my life. How could I physically birth my baby who would never cry?

I still knew I couldn’t do a c section though…it would be such a massive regret. I wanted to experience vaginal delivery. I wanted to know what it was like. The pressure. The pain. The satisfaction. I choose this knowing would face the hardest thing I would ever have to do.

Two rounds of medication gave me minor relief. I slept between contractions and crying. Finally, once I got the epidural….(trying to sit still during intense contractions is sooooo difficult)…the nurses wanted to check me again, only 2 centimeters dilated. After all the prodromal labor and pain I had, how could I still only be TWO centimeters? It didn’t make sense. It didn’t make sense. I wanted to crawl out of my body (and still do.) About 3am we were all able to sleep.

The next morning, our parents came without question. I just remember apologizing over and over again. I was completely overcome by a massive sense of failure and disappointing her grandparents. (No one talks enough about the guilt carried during and after stillbirth/loss, it’s soul crushing.)

The first time we tried to begin delivery, they wanted me pushing on my back…I started having a panic attack. Too many people, too much pressure and a shitty position for me to birth in. It just didn't feel natural. I could feel the pressure of her descending...

After the panic attack, I needed rest. My body was so exhausted. I had been in intense labor for 30 hours. I remember my mom and Justin putting their hands on my head and feeling like I wanted to scream if anyone touched me one more time. I couldn’t stop shaking from the hormones. I wasn’t ready. I just wanted to sleep all of this away. I wasn't ready.

When I woke up, I was shivering and sweating. Cold and hot. Fever. This was it. I had to be ready. I had to decide on my own that I was ready to do this, even if I wasn’t. Infection beginning. My body rejecting hers...

She had descended, almost crowning, with a head full of hair. As the nurses tried to coach me through breathing, I was blocking them out. I know my body and I knew their methods weren’t going to work in this moment. I needed to move to my right side. It was the only comfortable position I could get into and where my intuition was leading me to move. It was what my body craved and, in this position, I could own my body and my birth. Thanks to my doula training, I knew this was possible, if there is one thing I’m thankful for, it’s the advocacy I had on my side. From my birth team to my own strong will. I was going to do this my way.

With a matter of three long pushes and a minor 2nd degree tear, she was out.

The delivery room was silent.

The most devastating and yet, empowering moment of my life.

I can’t put to words exactly the physical satisfaction I felt with her birth. But it was just that, satisfying. I did it. She was born. If only she would’ve awakened and cried, it would’ve been perfect.

This was my redemption birth with the worst possible outcome.

I felt so empowered having my birth be MINE and yet, it was the most heartbreaking moment of polarity in my life.

I remember crying and whimpering when she came out, then being in a very solem state of emotion. Shock. But I also wanted complete presence with her.

As per my request, they immediately laid her on my chest. After that, it was continuous beautiful moments wrapped in somber sadness.

Holding her skin to skin. Kissing her. Touching her. Singing to her. Watching my husband’s heart break again as he held her skin to skin. Inviting our family to hold her still body, watching my daughter’s cry as they held their sister, capturing all of these moments with the biggest piece missing...Her aliveness.

Between tears, chocolate cake and family visits we were able to have an experience with her that many do not get and for that I am so thankful. We spent 4 nights and 5 days with our baby girl. Parker was able to meet his baby sister. It’s unfathomable to explain to a 4 year old why his sissy wasn’t moving, crying and was discolored. “Mommy, why her lips so dark?” he said. Explaining to her that his sister was not earthside was the most difficult conversation to have. His innocence, lightness, and love has carried me through this. As the days progress, we look for Maggie via signs she sends to us daily of her love. It's heart wrenching as we talk about her and he looks up at me with the bluest eyes and says "Mama, don't cry." But as I've taught him... it's okay to cry. It's okay to smile. It's okay to grieve. And it's okay to be in joy. Because our Maggie would've wanted us to experience it all, not just the mourning and sadness.

I am so thankful for the nurses at OPRMC, they truly held us in these horrific and utterly heartbreaking moments without judgement. I am so thankful to Jerry from the OPRMC kitchen, who held my husband and was simply an angel. I am so thankful to the security guards that stepped in like guardian angels to protect her body as they escorted her to the morgue.

I am so thankful to have surrounded myself with such an amazing midwife and birth support team. Having them advocate, hold and guide me in my darkest moments, saved my life.

I am so thankful for my doula and soul sister, Corinne. 5 years ago we were reconnected and I truly believe Magnolia had her hand in that. She held me and made me feel safe the week before and during/after delivery. I love you always, so much. I am so thankful to our family, for their ongoing love and support when we have needed it the most. I am so thankful for the friends that are family that cleaned my home and stocked the fridge while we were in the hospital and supported us through this unimaginable loss. I am so thankful for everyone who helped

support and care for my family when I couldn't. I am so thankful for my husband who has stood by my side with love and encouragement in my darkest days.

I am so thankful to have experienced such an amazing pregnancy that ignited my soul with courage and bravery. And, I am so thankful for the spirit and love that is my baby girl Magnolia “Maggie” Jane Guenther.

Magnolia “Maggie” Jane Guenther

Time of Birth: 1529

6lbs 5oz 20inches

DOD 6.10.2023

DOB 6.11.2023

I don't believe in trigger warnings, most of the time. We're either here on earth to offend or take offense. So, if you're here on my site, then you're probably well aware of our story and reality. These pictures aren't pretty. They aren't happy birth/postpartum pictures...They aren't ideal but then again, none of this is. These images show the truth of what we experienced. This is our story.